Pushover

Growing up I always shy and not a very extroverted person. I’ve come out of my shell a little since dating my very loud and social boyfriend. He had certainly helped a ton. It’s kind of hard to be introverted when your SO is so out there and alive and encourages you to be the same. But I wouldn’t say ‘shy’ doesn’t apply to me anymore. One part about me being shy was that I never spoke up for myself. I always let other’s get their way or way the argument because I didn’t have the gall to stick up for myself. When I started working at 15/16ish I really got mowed over and taken advantage of. I never said no to an extra shift even if I had made plans prior or had something important to do. If my phone rang my anxiety would shoot through the roof and I would answer, say yes, then head off to yet another shitty shift because someone bailed out.

I took a shift when my grandfather was really sick and I was supposed to see him. That would have been one of my last chances to see him before he passed. I folded clothes for 5 hours instead of telling him about my day at his bedside or hear one of his fascinating stories. I still kick myself to this day for meekly agreeing to take that shift because I couldn’t be brave for a moment and say no.

That said, I have gotten a bit braver though I’m still one of the most passive people I know. Fighting for myself is hard, fighting for people I care about is another story. Come between me and my friends or my SO, I turn into a mamma bear to the 10^th degree. I don’t know where this inner bravery comes from but boy it embodies the ‘fiery redhead’ kind of stereotype.

Back in high school, all the girls and boys were separated into different classrooms for a block long session. I don’t know what the boys learnt about but we were taught about our ‘inner egos’ , a little self defense and how to say No and mean it. In that class the woman taught us that we all have three ego’s:

The Innocent

The Wise Woman

The Bitch

She said that most common ego shy girls find themselves in is the Innocent. Shy, unsure and passive. Me to a t. The innocent is the ego that enjoys the fun but often gets into trouble because she is too scared to say no.

The Wise Woman I guess would be your conscience. She is the person that makes you step back and evaluate your situation and is supposed to be the one to decide the best choice for you. She is the listener, advisor and evaluator.

She then came to the Bitch. We all stifled giggles being only 15ish at the time. She pressed the fact that the bitch isn’t supposed to be mean, she is supposed to be brave and stomp her foot down and stand up for what you believe in. She is supposed to be that alter ego where you can be brave, you can make the choice you want without bowing to another’s influence. She says that those of us who hide with the Innocent fail to harness our ‘inner bitch’ enough and that can get us hurt or pressured into situations that we don’t want.

This part of the lesson really stuck with me (That and the blue berry pancake story but that’s for another time). While for years more I was still mostly the innocent I tried to remember the inner power I had to say no or to stand up for what I believe in. Still, the bitch often fails to show when I need her for myself but she reins supreme if I’m standing up for someone else. Someone stand up for me? Nah, I can’t ask that. I need to find my own voice and make it certain that I stop being a pushover for the rest of my life. Hell I’m supposed to be a redhead right? I’m supposed to be fiery and have a temper. No. Sorry, I failed in those departments (At least the temper one)

I’m getting there, I really am. It’s just taking longer than I really want but we can’t force that can we? I’ll fight for you but I’m only learning to fight for me.